Excuse me while I blend in with the scenery

More and more I come across people who want to be "the next big thing"
Name in lights, best sellers on the shelves, videos on MTV, fans desperately searching google for a new picture, men drooling at their heels, women flinging panties at their feet, ect.

Sure, the money would be nice. But even then, would it? I can't imagine how stressful those kinds of lives must actually be. How unhealthy they are.

I'm not sure why I don't join in with that fame seeking frame of thought. I believe we should all shine and succeed in life, but is that really success?

I can't help but wonder what the lives of histories most famous artists, musicians, writers, political minds, and war time heroes were REALLY like. Not just the way history was reported but the way it really was. Did they consciously think about being famous? or did they just do what they loved and were lucky enough to be recognized for it? Where they even really recognized for it while living? Oh sure some of them did. Little snippets of glory here and there for some and more so for others.

Was fame back then like fame is now? Surely not. Seems like anyone can be famous these days. Specifically the trashier you are. Yes, there are non-trashy famous people that do great things for the world, but even some of them went through their trashy phase (Angelina Jolie).

So, I don't understand this drive. This lust for the spot light. But I also understand that no two people are exactly the same, so I would never expect some people to be happy with the same things that I'm happy with.

What makes me happy? This question has been raised to me recently by an un-named source. Apparently some people think I'm not happy or am hard to make happy.

I don't need people to make me happy. I make me happy. I find joy in other people but don't expect them to do things for the explicit reason of my happiness.

I find joy in impressing my mother. I may never have my book published, and I don't really care if I ever do, but my mom loves what I've written and that is a far greater award for me than if I were a New York Times best seller for 92 weeks in a row. I know my mother, there is no greater book critic I'm sure. But she likes what I write. And she isn't the mom that just gives praise simply because I'm her child.

I find joy in simply sitting with my children. Just their existence is joy. I worry for them, I work for them, I live for them. And that is as much as I could ever want. The love that they have brought into my world is beyond words, beyond feeling almost, certainly beyond understanding. A love so strong and so bold that at times I wonder if it won't burn out my soul with its brilliance.
That is enough for me.

I find joy in eating dinner with my aunt and uncle. In making them proud. For there are no two other people in my life that have shown me what hard work, proper planning, and real marriage are.

I find joy in my friends. Though friends do come and go and I no longer invest myself quite as much as I used to, I find enjoyment and peace in their company. I am learning to save myself the pain and frustration that often comes with friendship by keeping things casual. No more "best friends" or only one or two friends that I spend my free time with. I suppose you give up the idea of a sole bosom companion as you get older.

I find joy in life in general. How could I see my friends and family if I'm blinded by the spot light?

Where am I going with this? Just that while it's fine for others to seek that center stage position, I'm more than happy down stage among the throng of extras, for my place and effect in this world may not be wide spread, it has its effect none the less. What care I if I'm remembered by people 500 years from now. My boys know I love them, what greater fame could I ever hope to achieve?

RIP Patcat

Okay, so this the the second time we've been through this.

Date: Sep 17, 2007 11:36 PM
Subject: RIP Patrick
Body: For those of you who do not know, Patrick was hospitalized early this morning for intestinal pains. After x-rays an infection was found in his kidneys. Rush surgery was admitted. Unfortunately he had allergic reaction to his anesthesia. He could not be saved. I don't really know what else to say, but I will keep you all posted.

RIP buddy...you will be missed :(

Of course the first time it was a single prank on one victim. This time, we'll call him Tom, Tom decided to prank anyone willing to fall for a myspace bulletin.

I got a call at midnight because some one fell for it.

Granted neither Patrick nor myself knew of this prank, but come on! First, do you really think that we are going to have a third party post a bulletin on myspace? And if someone did, don't you think that they'd be a little more heart felt? Maybe I can only see the ruse because I knew for a fact that Patrick was fine.

The most annoying part was who called. What were the odds that they really thought I'd pick up for them? After what has happened between that party, Patrick, and myself? No. I had Patrick call back simply to prevent more phone calls.

So, There you go people. Patrick is very much alive, getting ready to start a great new job, and as far as I know, generally healthy and happy.

But I'd really like to thank everyone's concern for his well being when he really was badly sick.

You care if he's dead, but not so much if he might need someone to drop off some chicken soup.

Now that's devotion.

I like to feel like i'm being interviewed.

That's why I keep doing these inane myspace questionnaires. Who comes up with these anyway?

57 Girl Confessions ( I personally don't think that this will be that insightful, but what the heck.)

1. Is it cute when guys kiss you on your forehead? Yes'm, it is cute.

2. A big poofy dress or a short party dress? Well, right now i'm wanting to buy a big poofy short party dress, so i guess i'm somewhere in the middle.

3. What would you do if you received a long love letter? Read it, try not to laugh, feel awkward the rest of the day.

4. Group dates or single dates? Group dates. You can always still go home with your date with out the rest of the gang...unless you are into that kind of thing...

5. Do you hate it when guys act different around their friends? Yes, but I don't really ever have that problem. I'm pretty well one of the guys anyway, so they can fart, burp, swear, ogle breasts, whatever.

6. Are diamonds a girl’s best friend? No, but that's not to say I wouldn't like to make one's acquaintance.

7. Is your hair up or down today? It's up because i didn't have time to straighten it.

8. Do you straighten your hair? I do when i want it straight....

9. Favorite mascara? That one that i steal from my sisters...you know...whatever they bought that week.

10. Do you get your nails done? I've tried it. I'm not good at the up keep.

11. Small or large purses? Large enough to carry a small Winnebago

12. In your purse, what are your must haves? Drivers License and other various info cards, phone, keys, lip gloss, lighter...dunno, what ever ends up in there.

13. Jeans or sweats? Jeans, I get to hot in sweats.

14. Do you wear clothes/shoes/jewelry that’s uncomfortable? That's really a pointless question. We have all worn, at some point in our lives, some thing uncomfortable. However, as a general rule, no I dress in clothes that are comfortable.

15. Do you text message a lot? No, periodically, but not enough to come close to "a lot"

16. What would you do if you got pregnant? The same thing I did the last two times I got pregnant. Did I mention that my kids are awesome?

17. What’s your favorite color? The artist in me wont allow me to choose a favorite color. I see the validity of all colors.

18. Heels or flats? I mostly wear flats even though I love heels because I feel self conscious of my height.

19. Did you ever cry during a romantic movie? Not really, no.

20. Would you ever leave the house without make-up on? Oh yeah. I look like crap, but i'll go out.

21. Walmart or Target? I go to wal-mart only because it is closer. I prefer Target though.

22. Do you wear collared shirts? Almost daily to work.

23. Do you like preppy boys? I like funny guys. i don't really care what style they choose to abide to.

24. Do you think lip gloss is the best!? Eh, it's alright if you remember to put it on, but it's alright if you forget.

25. Do you own any big sunglasses? I do. Not just because of the style but they actually do keep the sun off my eyes better.

26. How long does it take you to get ready in the morning? if i didn't lolly gag? 10 minutes unless i have to dry my hair then 20 minutes.

27. Do you like to wear band-aids? only when it stops the flow of blood...

28. Do you like skater boys? Again, I like funny guys, if they also skate, well, that's fine too.

29. Do you often wish there was something you could change? There are many somethings I wish I could change.

30. Gold or silver? Silver

31. Do you like to receive flowers? I do indeed. But just as a casual "I got these for you today" kind of thing, not in a "to show my deep, true, powerful love for you" because that makes me uncomfortable.

32. Do you like surfer boys? boys boys boys....gah, I'm starting to think I should have taken this survey when i was 8.

33. Do you dress up for the holidays? For church or something, yes, i do.

34. Do you like to wear dresseses? I love to. I just wish i had a reason to wear them!

35. On a scale of 1-10 how much do guys confuse you? guys don't, particular males do. but the degree varies.

36. In the last 48 hours have you hung out with a guy? yeah

37. Would you date a guy shorter than you? No.

38. Do you like to hold hands? eh, it's alright.

39. What is the youngest you would date? apparently its 3 years..

40. What is the oldest you would date? 4 years. but it's all relative to how much i like the guy.

41. What do you notice when you first meet a guy? if he's funny...how many more times will i have to reiterate that.

42. Is it hott when guys sweat? no, not really.

43. What is the best feature in a guy?A sense of humor. and nice eyes.

44. Do you like making eye contact? not really.

46. Would you kill for chocolate? Probably not. Murder is awful serious and i can get chocolate pretty cheap.

47. Did you ever spend all day/night getting pretty for a guy? no. not even on my wedding day. just got ready a few hours before.

48. On a scale from 1-10 how fun is shopping? about a 5.

49. Do you freak out if you miss your favorite show? why would i do that...it's just tv

50. Do you yell a lot? Gosh no.

51. Do you wear sweatpants/pajamas to school/work? That wouldn't be very professional now would it?

52. Have you ever dressed unlike yourself to impress a guy? I don't recall doing that, but i'm not going to claim its out of the question.

53. Do you write a lot of mushy love poems? NOOOOO....

54. What makeup could you not live w/ out? eyeliner.

55. Do you fall in love easily?I think i used to, or used to trick myself into thinking thats what i was doing. Not now. I care about people easily and I love people easily, that will never change, but actually "falling in love" I want to take my time about.

56. Do you have cramps? not really.

57. Do you think you have the bestest friend/friend(s) ever? n/a.

My space bulletins

I like them as a general rule as long as they aren't threatening. For example, I really hate the ones that say "I'm checking to see who my real friends are on here, repost this or I'm going to delete you". Well, first off, hopefully, your real friends are the ones with whom you have contact with out side of myspace and you'll already know not to delete them. Secondly, if you have to threaten to remove people just to be sure they still want to be your friend you may need to seek some kind of therapy. And if I am on the end that is expected to repost that, go right a head and delete me. there are several million people on myspace, any one of which can take your slot on my friends list. I won't be heart broken.

Another one that bothers me. It ends up something like "Repost this if you love god and want to prove it". I'm sure the lord is up there keeping tallies of who reposts that. My feelings and beliefs about god are not going to be summed up by a short zealous bulletin.

The last one is more something that bothers me on a different level than the others. The one's previously mentioned just annoy me. This one, it bothers me deeply. The one with picture after picture of abused children and it reads "stop child abuse". I'm sorry, I really don't see putting pictures of those suffering children out there like that. And it doesn't even offer any tips for prevention. No lists of what to look for, who to contact, available resources. If it is just asking me not to beat my own kids it needn't have bothered.

On another note, I really enjoy my on-line journal/blogger thing. I know many people do. I'm just glad that mine really only appears here.

Habitual Demolition

It is soooo freaking hard to break a self destructive habit. And I'm not talking about a chemical one. I'm talking about personality traits and vices that you have to consciously make an effort to mask and deal with. I want so much not to screw something up and yet, because I can't seem to reign in my temper when I haven't slept well, I screw it up. go me.

Well, I'm doing what I can do. I have lots of important people in my life. I can't live on eggshells, but I'll try not to be a raging bull either.

Not that any of this matters. Well, to me it does, and that's what this blog is all about. Making me feel validated in my thoughts. Because, some how, you are less crazy if you write to yourself then if you talk to yourself.
Figure that one out.

It's just the view.

Terry Pratchett is by far my most beloved writer. His works are the inspiration to at least two tattoos that i want to get. now possibly a third. Please enjoy this clip taken from "Eric"

" It was a tiny piece of matter popping into existence.
Death stalked over to the point of arrival and watched carefully.

It was a paper clip.*"

curious huh? yes, well, now we need some info. A paper clip? lets see what Pratchett tells us in a foot note!

"* Many people think that it should have been an hydrogen molecule, but this is against the observed facts. Every one who has found a hitherto unknown egg-whisk jamming an innocent kitchen drawer knows that raw matter is continually flowing into the universe in fairly developed forms, popping into existence normally in ashtrays, vases and glove compartments. It chooses its shape to allay suspicion, and common manifestations are paper clips, the pins out of shirt packaging, the little keys for central heating radiators, marbles, bits of crayon, mysterious sections of herb chopping devices and old Kate Bush albums. Why matter does this is unclear, but it is evident that matter has Plans.
It is also apparent that creators sometimes favor the Big Bang method of universe construction, and at other times use the more gentle methods of Continuous creation. This follows studies by cosmotherapists which revealed that the violence of the Big Bang can give a universe serious psychological problems when it gets older."



GENIUS!

My online thesis

I read an article today about how employers are looking up potential employees on Facebook and Myspace to get an idea of what they are hiring. Brilliant. I'm all for it.

Here is a segment from the article.

"Risqué pictures are not the only way a job applicant can be tripped up. Pictures of illegal behavior like drug use or heavy alcohol use could disqualify a candidate too. Some also suggest poor writing and bad grammar in Facebook profiles and in blog entries can raise a red flag about communication skills. Derogatory comments or complaints or radical political positions also can draw the scrutiny of a prospective employer."

Well, obviously dirty pictures boots you right out of the hiring pool. But lets think. If you want to post trashy pictures of yourself, dandy, do it. Don't get mad when someone you don't want to sees it, Like your mom or your dream company, when you weren't clever enough to put your photos on private or limited veiwability. So, I completely support that aspect of business investigation.
Pictures of drug use and heavy alcohol use. I can see that too. Don't want to hire dr. dave if dave still hits the bong. Or that new architect can't seem to hold his booze.

I have two stances on the next part. Poor writing and bad grammar. First, this isn't a formal forum. No one is out blogging their life and thoughts as a thesis. There may very well be some very grammar savvy people out their blogging away. But to most of us, this sort of writing and communication is the most informal way to let those thoughts out and keep up with friends.
Having that said, I completely understand not tiring someone who writes like :
Hey Gurlz, watup 4 real. 2 buzy to talk. LMAO, ROTFLMAO. I runs over 2 da stoe 2 see U.
and all that equal nonsense. Unless they need code breakers.

But if there are companies seriously not hiring people for random misspelled words and sentence fragments, that is unreasonable. These aren't term papers.

As for the comments, yeah, people really shouldn't leave really nasty tasteless ones. but, you know, it is a place for young people to communicate, what do you really expect. Same with the political views...it's young people...

Still, Kudos to companies for using readily available unprotected public information to do hiring due diligence.

GET ME OUT OF HERE

I've noticed, and been guilty of myself, people complaining about getting out of this town. This town being any town anywhere. As I've aged I've still had the impulse to leave. But in fact what I wanted was not just to leave, but to run away. So, instead of leaving, I have found that making new friends and dumping (quietly and in a non official sort of way) the old ones. This doesn't mean that you start some huge fight with the old friends or anything, but sometimes you just need something fresh. Sometimes its those friends that are making you want to run. Maybe not them, maybe people or situations related to them. All you have to do is stop going to the same old places. There's no where else to go? at all? not a different coffee house in the next one red light town over? Not a park? No close cities? I different field? Come on!
Hell, cut your hair and dye it black or red or go blonde. Any change to help regulate yourself.

Tattooed Freaks!

I'm really getting tired of seeing that. I'm really proud of my tattoos, but they in no way make me a freak! It's a cultral thing, tattoos. Sure some people just get a couple because they are cool or pretty. But for some of us, it is a cultural commitment we are making. I don't like that there are people in that culture that insist on claiming themselves "freaks" for having tattoos. Maybe the tattoos have nothing to do with your bad attidude! Don't blame the tats and make those of us who are good, polite, educated people get stuck in the same social gracings as your crude, loud self.
Yes, Be proud of your tattoos. But why Freak? Such a negative term.
Here is a breif history of tattoos that i came accross.
a brief history of tattoos



the word tattoo is said to has two major derivations- from
the polynesian word ‘ta’ which means striking something
and the tahitian word ‘tatau’ which means ‘to mark something’.

the history of tattoo began over 5000 years ago and is as
diverse as the people who wear them.

tattoos are created by inserting colored materials beneath
the skins surface. the first tattoos probably were created
by accident. someone had a small wound, and rubbed it
with a hand that was dirty with soot and ashes from the fire.
once the wound had healed, they saw that a mark stayed
permanently.

despite the social sciences' growing fascination with tattooing,
and the immense popularity of tattoos themselves,
the practice has not left much of a historical record.

---
bronze age
in 1991, a five thousand year old tattooed man ‘ötzi the ice man’
made the headlines of newspapers all over the world when
his frozen body was discovered on a mountain between
austria and italy.
this is the best preserved corpse of that period ever found.
the skin bears 57 tattoos: a cross on the inside of the left knee,
six straight lines 15 centimeters long above the kidneys and
numerous parallel lines on the ankles.
the position of the tattoo marks suggests that they were probably
applied for therapeutic reasons (treatment of arthritis).

---
pazyryk culture
in 1948, 120 miles north of the border between russia and
china, russian archeologist sergei rudenko began excavating
a group of tombs, or kurgans, in the high altai mountains of
western and southern siberia. mummies were found that date
from around 2400 years ago.
the tattoos on their bodies represent a variety of animals.
the griffins and monsters are thought to have a magical
significance but some elements are believed to be purely
decorative. altogether the tattoos are believed to reflect the
status of the individual.

---
egypt
written records, physical remains, and works of art relevant to
egyptian tattoo have virtually been ignored by earlier egyptologists
influenced by prevailing social attitudes toward the medium.
today however, we know that there have been bodies recovered
dating to as early XI dynasty exhibiting the art form of tattoo.
in 1891, archaeologists discovered the mummified remains
of amunet, a priestess of the goddess hathor, at thebes who
lived some time between 2160 BC and 1994 BC.
this female mummy displayed several lines and dots tattooed
about her body - grouping dots and/or dashes were aligned into
abstract geometric patterns. this art form was restricted
to women only, and usually these women were associated
with ritualistic practice.
the egyptians spread the practice of tattooing throughout the world.
the pyramid-building third and fourth dynasties of egypt
developed international nations with crete, greece, persia,
and arabia. by 2,000 BC the art of tattooing had stretched out all the
way to southeast asia .
the ainu (western asian nomads) then brought it with them
as they moved to japan.

---
japan
the earliest evidence of tattooing in japan is found in the form
of clay figurines which have faces painted or engraved to
represent tattoo marks. the oldest figurines of this kind have
been recovered from tombs dated 3,000 BC or older, and many
other such figurines have been found in tombs dating from the
second and third millennia BC.
these figurines served as stand-ins for living individuals who
symbolically accompanied the dead on their journey into the
unknown, and it is believed that the tattoo marks had religious
or magical significance.
the first written record of japanese tattooing is found in a
chinese dynastic history compiled in 297 AD.
the japanese were interested in the art mostly for its decorative
attributes, as opposed to magical ones. the horis - the japanese
tattoo artists - were the undisputed masters. their use of colors,
perspective, and imaginative designs gave the practice a whole
new angle. the classic japanese tattoo, is a full body suit.

---
china
from southern china the practice spread along the silk route.

---
polynesia
in pacific cultures tattooing has a huge historic significance.
polynesian tattooing is considered the most intricate and
skillful tattooing of the ancient world.
polynesian peoples, believe that a person's mana, their spiritual
power or life force, is displayed through their tattoo.
the vast majority of what we know today about these ancient
arts has been passed down through legends, songs, and ritual
ceremonies. elaborate geometrical designs which were often
added to, renewed, and embellished throughout the life of the
individual until they covered the entire body.

in samoa, the tradition of applying tattoo, or ‘tatau’, by hand,
has long been defined by rank and title, with chiefs and their
assistants, descending from notable families in the proper birth order.
the tattooing ceremonies for young chiefs, typically conducted at
the onset of puberty, were elaborate affairs and were a key part
of their ascendance to a leadership role.
the permanent marks left by the tattoo artists would forever
celebrate their endurance and dedication to cultural traditions.
the first europeans who set foot on samoan soil were members
of a 1787 french expedition. they got a closer look at the natives
and reported that ‘the men have their thighs painted or tattooed
in such a way that one would think them clothed,
although they are almost naked’. the mythological origins of
samoan tattooing and the extraordinary cross-cultural history
of tatau has been transported to the migrant communities of
new zealand, and later disseminated into various international
subcultures from auckland to the netherlands.

the hawaiian people had their traditional tattoo art,
known as ‘kakau’. it served them not only for ornamentation
and distinction, but to guard their health and spiritual well-being.
intricate patterns, mimicking woven reeds or other natural forms,
graced men's arms, legs, torso and face.
women were generally tattooed on the hand, fingers, wrists
and sometimes on their tongue.

the arrival of western missionaries forced this unique art form
into decline as tattooing has been discouraged or forbidden by
most christian churches throughout history.

---
new zealand
the maori of new zealand had created one of the most impressive
cultures of all polynesia. their tattoo, called ‘moko’, reflected their
refined artistry - using their woodcarving skills to carve skin.
the full-face moko was a mark of distinction, which communicated
their status, lines of descent and tribal affiliations. it recalled their
wearer's exploits in war and other great events of their life.

---
indonesia
borneo is one of the few places in the world where traditional
tribal tattooing is still practiced today just as it has been for
thousands of years. until recently many of the inland tribes had
little contact with the outside world.
as a result, they have preserved many aspects of their traditional
way of life, including tattooing.
borneo designs have gone all around the world to form the
basis of what the western people call ‘tribal’.

---
india / thailand
hanuman in india was a popular symbol of strength on
arms and legs. the mythical monk is still today one of the
most popular creations in thailand and myanmar.
they are put on the human body by monks who incorporate
magical powers to the design while tattooing.
women are excluded because monks are not allowed to be
touched by them and because thais believe women do not
need the extra boost as they are already strong enough on
their own.

---
africa
in africa, where people have dark skin, it is difficult to make
coloured tattoos as we know them.
but they want to be tattooed anyway, so they have developed
another technique - they make scarifications (this is not really
tattooing, but it is related to tattooing). made by lifting the skin a little,
and making a cut with a knife or some other sharp thing
special sands or ashes were rubbed in to make raised scars
in patterns on the body, it can be felt like braille lettering...
these patterns often follow local traditions.

---
ancient greece and rome
the greeks learnt tattooing from the persians.
their woman were fascinated by the idea of tattoos as
exotic beauty marks.
the romans adopted tattooing from the greeks.
roman writers such as virgil, seneca, and galenus reported that
many slaves and criminals were tattooed.
a legal inscription from ephesus indicates that during the early
roman empire all slaves exported to asia were tattooed with the
words ‘tax paid’.
greeks and romans also used tattooing as a punishment.
early in the fourth century, when constantine became roman emperor
and rescinded the prohibition on christianity, he also banned tattooing
on face, which was common for convicts, soldiers, and gladiators.
constantine believed that the human face was a representation of the
image of god and should not be disfigured or defiled.

---
the celts
were a tribal people who moved across western europe in times
around 1200 and 700 B.C. they reached the british Isles around
400 B.C. and most of what has survived from their culture is in
the areas now known as ireland, wales and scotland.
celtic culture was full of body art.
permanent body painting was done with woad, which left a blue
design on the skin. spirals are very common, and they can be single,
doubled or tripled. knotwork is probably the most recognized form
of celtic art, with lines forming complex braids which then weave
across themselves. these symbolise the connection of all life.
step or key patterns, like those found in early labyrinth designs,
are seen both in simple borders and full complex mazes.
much in the way that labyrinths are walked, these designs are
symbolic of the various paths that life’s journey can take.

---
central and south america
in peru, tattooed inca mummies dating to the 11th century
have been found. 16th century spanish accounts of mayan tattooing
in mexico and central americareveal tattoos to be a sign of courage.
when cortez and his conquistadors arrived on the coast of mexico
in 1519 they were horrified to discover that the natives
not only worshipped devils in the form of statues and idols,
but had somehow managed to imprint indelible images of these
idols on their skin. the spaniards, who had never heard of tattooing,
recognized it at once as the work of satan.
the sixteenth century spanish historians who chronicled the
adventures of cortez and his conquistadors reported that tattooing
was widely practiced by the natives of central america.

---
north america
early jesuit accounts testify to the widespread practice of
tattooing among native americans.
among the chickasaw, outstanding warriors were recognised
by their tattoos. among the ontario iroquoians, elaborate
tattoos reflected high status. in north-west america,
inuit women's chins were tattooed to indicate marital status
and group identity.
the first permanent tattoo shop in new york city was settled up
in 1846 and began a tradition by tattooing military servicemen
from both sides of the civil war. samuel o'reilly invented the electric
tattooing machine in 1891.

---
middle-east
during the time of the old testament, much of the pagan world
was practicing the art of tattooing as a means of deity worship.
a passage in leviticus reads:
‘ye shall not make any cuttings on your flesh for the dead nor
print any marks upon you’. (19:28)
this has been cited as biblical authority to support the church's
position. biblical scholar m.w. thomson suggests, however, that
moses favored tattoos. moses introduced tattoos as a way to
commemorate the deliverance of the jews from slavery in egypt.

---
vikings
it is very likely that the vikings were tattooed.
at around year 1100 the arab ibn fadlan described a
meeting with some vikings. he thought them very rude, dirty
- and covered with pictures.

---
england
explorers returned home with tattooed polynesians
to exhibit at fairs, in lecture halls and in dime museums,
to demonstrate the height of european civilization compared
to the ‘primitive natives’.
after captain cook returned from his voyage to polynesia
tattooing became a tradition in the british navy.
by the middle of the 18th century most british ports had
at least one professional tattoo artist in residence.
in 1862, the prince of wales, later to become king edward VII,
received his first tattoo - a jerusalem cross - on his arm.
he started a tattoo fad among the aristocracy when he was
tattooed before ascending to the throne.
in 1882, his sons, the duke of clarence and the duke of york
were tattooed by the japanese master tattooist, hori chiyo.

---
france
in the 18th century, many french sailors returning from voyages
in the south pacific had been tattooed.
in 1861, french naval surgeon, maurice berchon, published a study
on the medical complications of tattooing.
after this, the navy and army banned tattooing within their ranks.


stereotypical and sensationalised association of tattoo design
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
sailor
sailors on their ships returned home with their own tattoos...
usually of a very basic style that only uses a minimum amount
of details making the tattoos look quite two dimensional and flat.
this often gives a cartoonish feeling and typical motifs would be flowers,
hearts, mermaids, ships, anchors, snakes, birds, and names.

criminality
for a long time, tattooing was the preserve of sailors and...
criminals!
in prison, the tattoo - professionally done and homemade-
indelibly imprint on their bodies what these men desire in their
souls: autonomy and identity.
the ultimate symbol for gang members are their gang tattoos,
getting a permanent mark is a sign of showing total commitment to
the gang. these tattoos can reveal lots of things, like,
who you are/what gang you're in/ what your beliefs are (racist etc..),
what you have done, where you have been, how many years
you have been in jail (also referred to as ‘dead time’) and even
things like how many you have killed.
known symbols include teardrops under the eye as well as spider
webs on the elbows to symbolize people killed.

circus
the popularity of tattooing during the latter part of the nineteenth
century and the first half of the twentieth century owed much to
the circus. when circuses prospered, tattooing prospered.
for over 70 years every major circus employed several completely
tattooed people. some were exhibited in sideshows;
others performed traditional circus acts such as juggling and
sword swallowing.


---------------
tattoo flash
as with other artistic mediums and cultural developments,
vocabulary continually evolves, reflecting the depth and potential
of body marking and of the contemporary imagination.
in recent years tattooing has emerged to the forefront of popular
consciousness. today a tattoo ‘flash’, is a folder of tattoo-artwork by
tattoo artists. styles range from the traditional and vernacular to
the sacred and innovative.

Testing, Testing, 1, 2, 3.

Whew. So it's certainly been an eventful week. I miss Carmen.
I miss Natalia too.
I lost faith in people when i was 8. That's just a fact to point out. Yes, there is a story behind it, but I'll not burden you with it. Just giving you a reference point.
Do you know what would suit my fancy right now? Chocolate cake. Not just any chocolate cake. It must be from Rembrandt's. But, alas. No cake for me today. In a short time though that wont be so completely out of the question. Things are straightening out. My outlook on life is better.
I don't know. I suppose i must have had a sudden mood swing. I get those sometimes. It's not a huge burden or anything. Right now, I feel refreshed. I want to go home and clean out the garage, cook dinner, play tag, groom the dog, weed the garden!
I'm grining to myself at this moment because I know I have something joyful to go home to. Bills fade from thought, work slips from memory, everything is better. Little smiling faces await me with love in their eyes and wild squeals of joy. Nothing tops that. Nothing at all. Things happen for a reason. I'll take the reasons I have my children any day. I wouldn't go back and change a thing. No matter how traumatic, how awful, how lonely, or great, fun, entertaining. good or bad.

What is my purpose

For that matter, What is yours?

What is it about humanity that grates at me so?
And why don't some people know when to shut up?
They just keep talking and talking. And every syllable crashes against my last nerve until i feel like a crumbling cliff!

Man oh man

boredom seems to sweep in like a flood these days. It's kinda hard to believe how one can go from so busy they can't stand it, to barely doing anything all day long. Why am I here if I'm not going to do anything? What difference am I making?

I'm starting to see what I want out of life. Now to work toward achieving that.

Yeah, I'm not perfect

I know I screwed myself and my family over when i racked up the bills on the credit cards. I know I've made huge mistakes in the past year financially. I'm now in counceling to correct this spending behavior. I'm also hurting for money, which is fitting punishment. My point? Telling me you know how I've spent my money, that I've blown a big bunch, in no way gives you power over me. I have admitted to my personal problem, I have sought help. Given that, it still doesn't change the fact that because of my actions, I have no money. Nor am I asking people for money that is related to those expenses. If I am owed, lets say, Child support, I am with in reason to ask for it. Not for paying of my bills, that's what the second job will be for. but to provide for my kids.

The need to Blog.

So, I've manage to utterly and completely screw myself. I spent money I didn't have, against all logic and values that I know to be true. And now, after nearly a year, I thought I was about to get some child support to at least help make a dent in the debt so that in a few months I'd be on the level again and not have to worry about who's calling me, but no. It's not going to happen. Nothing can go smoothly. The Ex has to develop high blood pressure when he finally gets a job.
So, I'll trudge through these next few months and see if i can get a part time job. I've learned my lesson, believe me. I'm having professionals set up my budget and I will NOT stray from it. I can't provide for everyone anymore. No trips, no smokes, no dresses! nothing. not for me, not for my friends.
I'm having the TV cut off. No more renting movies. Not even going to be able to go to shows in chatt town because that's too much gas. Hope my friends enjoy visiting me and watching movies i already own! because that's all that i'll be able to afford.

I feel like Yoko.

I can't make friends. It's pointless. It seems I'm too head strong and opinionated and pushy. I had a really great group of friends, that i loved, that made me so happy to be around, and now, it's not the same. I started seeing one of them. Which shouldn't be a huge deal since the other two are a couple. to we were two pairs instead of one pair and a couple wheels. But then, there was a situation that escalated very fast based on facts that were presented. Then, like with all things that escalate, it went to far. Now, I just can't make myself want to face one of the others. who is part of a couple. so it makes it hard to see the one I'm not mad at. And out of loyalty or personal disgruntled-ness "my" quarter of the group won't see the same person. again making things difficult for the...hell. It makes it hard on Jessica. I know she's going through a lot what with taking care of Nathan, but I'm just still so mad at him. More than mad. I'm disappointed that things turned out this way and i can't help but blame him. And now it looks like i betrayed Jessica. Which was not my intent. but I'm sure it doesn't matter.
the thing is. I saw this band, twice, and spoke with them. I said that I'd like to try to do a write up about them in enigma. they said cool. Well, through a case of mistaken Identity they thought Jessica was me, and instead of admitting it they said I referred her to them. Which I didn't. I'm sorry. I never brought Jessica up. Because I wanted to do the write up. Because I was the one who spoke when them and saw them live. It just makes sense. Well, I emailed them to see if they still wanted to do the interview. They made no mention of Jessica. She has a ton to do anyway and I'm sure they don't want to wait til she has time, and besides, let me say this one more time, I saw their performance, and listening to their recordings is nothing in comparison. I could be wrong about the mistaken identity part, i don't know what was said to whom. Just that Jessica told me that they said I referred them to her. Yes, at this point i should have said something. but i had already emailed them my questions and i honestly didn't think it would turn out as well as it did. I put off telling her for when I knew if it would go in the paper or not. No point in bringing it up until then, that's what i thought anyway.
Well, I didn't get confirmation that it would get published. I didn't find out until she emailed me about it.
So, I feel like Yoko. I've broken up the band.

There's more, but that's enough for now.

They are dropping like flys

The more I learn about people, and more importantly, what they believe about me, the more I really don't like them.
Since it has been brought to my attention that the people whom I had thought up until now enjoyed my company have in fact, not. Well, then don't act like you do! And if by chance I have offended you by say, I don't know, letting your wife/girlfriend know that you are having an affair, or at least confirming what she already knew with information that i was given (even if i present it in a "i don't know this is factual" manner) then let me know. And as for timing, well, sometimes I have to take what's given. and you know what, that doesn't mean that a day/night was ruined for everyone. 15 minutes of weird. that's all it was, then it was over. BAM! that's so worth calling me out for. But hey, lets still think the guy that did the deed is still the shit.

And maybe they think I'm hypocritical. Yeah, I started talking to a guy AFTER my marriage deteriorated. But i sure as hell didn't sleep with him till after the divorce. And believe me, I've learned a great lesson about all that. The point though, is that it was AFTER my marriage was over, not during, not while we went to counseling. After all that. When i was just crazy.
and yeah, i go crazy. So what! Don't you all? Don't you wonder if your life should be different? Don't you question the choices you've made? if you say you don't then you are so full of cow dung that it's ridiculous.
I've made poor choices. My divorce was not one of them. My relationship after that was, my trying to be friends with the ex sure feels like a bad idea since he manages to piss me off on a daily basis.
I'm even over making new friends. It's all so pointless. I don't feel like i can trust any new people. Especially when i have a saboteur out there.
So, here's the notice people.
I'm the way I am. I try to better myself, but short of that, I'm not really going to change.
You can take me the way I am and stop bitching about it, or you can stop acting like you are my friends and then discussing how much disdain you have for me when I'm gone. I will not be that person.
Don't say hi to me if you feel that you are having to fain a pleasant conversation. Don't worry, I hate talking in grocery stores, and i don't go out for coffee anymore.

Strong as I feel

I'm really getting tired of all my ups and downs. Yeah, even if some of them are self induced. I'm still tired of them. How can on one side of my life everything be going swimmingly (I'm loving getting to spend time with quality friends and have intelligent adult conversation and time with my boys who are just growing and getting smarter everyday) and on the other, I have people stressing me out (either friends/family or the doctors). Why does everything take so long?! Really, they shouldn't be allowed to make you sit on pins and needles for a month or so before you know if your sick or not. I don't feel sick, but then, unless it just got out of control I wouldn't. IF i have something wrong. and there in lies my stress. I don't even know. And no, if i haven't already told you whats going on, I'm not going to. for one big reason, i don't want everyone worrying about the specifics, asking me if I've heard anything, etc. Sure, if and when i get a diagnosis I'll let the world know. but at this point it's all scary speculation.
I've decided I'm really going to put forth effort into learning to play guitar. I've printed out the tabs to a song i want to learn, and i have a book of chords on it's way via a friend (supposedly). so, maybe a year from now, i'll be a rock star. lol. we know thats not happening.
I've also cut myself off spending wise. sorry friends, i don't have money to hang out, buy you cigarettes and dinner, or whatever else i normally would do cos i heart you all. I'm so far in debt that i feel hopeless. well, not completely hopeless obviously since I'm working on undoing it.
Basically, once I've got my budget worked out, I'm short about 300 a month. that's a lot, i know. so, not sure what I'm going to do about that. i need to get out of the hole though. so, it will help not spending time and money on/with friends, though i do enjoy that alot.
I might get to see a movie this week. it's a big might though. I love going to movies.
I'll write more, maybe today. definitely tomorrow.
Love you all.
Lindsey

Tonight, for the first time in a long while

I am actually going to celebrate my birthday. not just go spend money and justify it with my birthday. I have not celebrated since I turned 18, 6 years ago tomorrow. That changes tonight though. My friends band (Death Valley Driver, out of Chattanooga) is playing at my favorite Watering hole "Ziggy's". they even put that it's my day on their flyer (well, one version of it anyway!). I don't count on many people actually coming to celebrate me, but i'm sure as hell going to pretend that's what they are there for! I'm even going to be able to get Patrick in and all he has to do is man a camera! After the show we are gonna go to some chicks graduation party ( i don't mind sharing and butting in on other peoples parties!) I'm sure I'll get at least tipsy while over there. I think someone else wants us to go to their house too, but i just don't see how we can fit it all in. When i get home from work i have to redye my hair too. and that takes forever! plus i need to fix my bangs. stupid things and their jaggedness! Anyway. I even have a new outfit to wear tonight. i'm gonna look purdy!
Then tomorrow i'm gonna help out at a benefit for Nathan! I was going to help set up, but i just don't really see that happening. I'm thinking more of showing up around noon and staying for clean up. Then i just have to procure dinner and it's off to a look outs game! Nothing like free tickets and it's something i can do with friends, and thats really all i want out of a birthday anyway. Sunday i'll get my kids back early and go over to moms to celebrate with my family. that's going to be fun!
I miss jessica too. I haven't seen her enough lately. I've been busy, and she's got to take care of nathan, and i don't want to intrude on that. Nathan's super cool too. I'm enjoying all of my new/renewed friendships. It's funny how lonely you realize you were once you have good friends again. Hopefully i get to keep them!
you know, i love blogging. even if there is no point what so ever. makes me feel good. i don't really read the clever analytical one's anyway. i want to know people's personalities not thier politics. but that's just me!
Hugs and such,
Lindsey

For Every Begining

There is a rant. haha. Actually, this is going to be more of an explanation. What you will read in this blog will range from music reviews, bitching about people I deal with on a daily basis, Crazy shit in the news, meandering thoughts about life, how i get really confused about myself sometimes, and how frustrated my existence is. and some cute quotes from movies, books, music, and my kids.

I think i will like this better than the blogging on myspace. hopefully i can link the two because i have a few faithful readers that enjoy my nonsense on occasion!

Well, God Bless and Save us all from each other and ourselfs. Later!