The unsupported Change

It's hard for me to maintain excitement about a possible change in my life when the people that know me best don't support it. Am I such a failure at life that I really can't make it on my own? Really? I suck so badly that I should avoid any chance of even trying to make it?

Here's the deal.

I have applied and interviewed for a job 2 hours away from home. If I were to get it, then it would mean a pay raise and more opportunity to serve my company. I'm totally stoked about even the possibility!

But I get things like "How could you?" from my mother and "I just don't know how you will take care of those boys" or "I don't know how I feel about you moving that far away" from my aunt. Even my childrens' father makes it sound like I'm moving across the contenient.

Of course, I feel like I can do this. My co-workers at least say that they think I can pull it off. My friends are supportive, my boyfriend is even encouraging.

So how am I supposed to feel about the non support? My children are healthy, well cared for, smart, and loved. Yes, they would have to go to after school care instead of their Nana's. Yes, I would have to cook every night. Before I started working full time, I took care of them 24-7. Even after I started working I still cooked dinner almost every night.

But apartently I fail.

Well, if given the opportunity to take the job, I am. I feel confident in my abilities to do well for the company. I feel even more confident in my ability to 100% take care of my kids.

Oh god, they'll be in after school care...you know,... with other kids...doing stuff. oh the horror!!!

really.... Really?.... REALLY???

Well sha-Damn!

Guess I should concider updating this a bit more often.
I dumped the husband. Long story short, he lied from the moment I met him about who he was. I fell for it like a complete tard. He was arrested Oct. 1st 2009 for cooking meth in my house while I was in a hospital bed at my moms. Also found lots of evidence to support the theory that he was never faithful to me. Gross. It is now also my belief that he was never off drugs. This thread of thought has been supported by interviews with people that knew him.
Hope he enjoys his 15 years in jail.
Anyway...
Life is much better now. I am walking just fine. I have some nasty scars from the wreck on my knee, but that's fine. I get to make up stories for new people, usually invovling a vintage harley and a trip to las vegas....and orphans...haha.
Lets see...at work I have been moved to Accounts Payable, which I enjoy a lot more than my old job. Still wanting to finish my degree though and be a teacher. Am resuming that treak in October.
Divorce has been final for a while, thank pete.
Kids are doing really well. They have adjusted to our new life in the tiny duplex and so far seem not too much worse for the wear. They are much like me in their ability to bounce back, though I truely dispise myself for testing their ability to do so.


I do have a new fella. One I've always "crushed" on or whatever...am I still young enough to crush? Anyway. To my very, incredibly great surprise, he returned my "crushiness". So far so good. Not getting carried away and trying not to make him something in my mind that he's not. Luckily he's been a friend for years, so I know his goods and his bads.

Hard to trust my feelings though. I mean, how can I take myself seriously? Two marriages? really? at 27? I rushed that last one because of some need to make myself complete...or some such nonsense... maybe i just really wanted a wedding...who knows.

I am trying to trust them though, but not let them overwhelm my sense of reason. Which is totally working for now since I'm terrified of being hurt again. I've not lost my faith in people completely though, so I have positive feels about how this will turn out, even if I don't have definative dreams, which I figure is really good.

I've had a lot of time to examine who I am. All the time in the hospital bed...all the time trying to figure out what I was thinking with the last ex, why I let myself be fooled, what i really believe about soul mates and life long partners and love...

I don't think it's a bad thing that I still assume the best about people. I don't think it's bad that I still want to trust, or put faith in people. Yes, they will still let me down, and yeah, I'll let them down too. but some day, some one down the line (should it really be in my destany) someone is going to pull through for me and I will for them also. It won't be magic, or fairy tale wonderment. It will be equal efforts, equal respect, and equal love for one another.

I am trying to be more in tune with my children also. Not that I feel I am a bad mom. I made a mistake. I've learned a valuable lesson. They are such sweet little boys. They do act out when they are tired or stressed, but for the most part, I don't think you could find two more well behaved, sweet natured boys that aren't totally creepy. I mean, you know those kids that don't even look at their parents the wrong way...there is always something so robotic and weird about them... you get me on that right?

well, that's all for now.

Love and hugs!